I also want to reinforce your point about getting professionals involved in these cases who understand how to identify and address parental alienation. The traditional approach in the courtroom and the therapist’s office will not work in these situations.

Thanks for writing, Larry.

Best,

mike jeffries

I started the battle against PAS when my daughter was nine years old and with the help of an excellent counselor Gina Jordan Kishur and a Guardian ad Lidem Phillip Tucker, I won the battle when she turned sixteen and was awarded custody. Their combined report stated it was one of the worst cases of PAS they had seen in their combined years of practice and finally the judge awarded custody to me.

The years in between were pure torture and my daughter had even told me I wasn’t her father, just the lucky bastard that impregnated her mother. Today she is 23 in college and we have the most excellent relationship.

The turmoil years involved several attorneys and counselors that tried diligently to get me to walk away and stop the fight and just hope someday she would come back into my life, but I refused to walk away. It wasn’t an easy road and took a lot of patience, understanding and a desire to never give up. Documenting everything that occurs is crucial, keep a journal, and invest in a digital recorder, and even a movie camera.

Those years are now somewhat of a blur, but during that time frame it engulfed my whole life and took a toll on every aspect of it, but I would do it again in a second. I believe the most important key is to understand it and avoid letting it destroy you emotionally, to continue to let your child know you love them and that you will always be there for them regardless.

It is imperative to hire someone that is familiar with PAS and is not afraid to champion the effort. There are very few professionals out there that will step up and take on such a challenge. I highly recommend Gina Jordan Kishur and Phillip Tucker as two professionals that have the knowledge and experience and aren’t afraid of going the distance with the legal system. There are counselors and attorneys out there that will actually help perpetuate the PAS and make you feel like it’s your entire fault, I know because I dealt with some of them.

The hardest part is not giving up when it seems hopeless. Educate yourself and arm yourself with knowledge, it may very well be one of the hardest battles you ever fight in your life. Everyone leaves the battle with scars, and it probably will not ever end completely so you have to learn how to negotiate the peace, even years later.

The sad part is the emotional scars the child will deal with throughout their adult years. I know not everyone will succeed and there will be unfortunate losses, but never give up hope.

The note above from ‘Gina’ in Oklahoma is so true. “The System” is broken and has a history of not recognizing this real and truly damaging scenario. There are children out there that may be damaged as to future relationships for life.

Be encouraged. Keep writing. Persevere. Never give up or lose hope.
The TRUTH always is revealed. With more light shined brightly into the darkness of PAS, we will see a generation turned around.

The true damage facing the youth of today is this. What if one day you are 35 and you discover how badly one parent manipulated you against a targeted and innocent parent? Then, how do you deal with the theft. The lies. The deceit. That is the generation that will then feel wounded. How do you get back what somebody stole from you. Actually we should feel sorry for the alienators. They will face consequences.

We believe the Bible holds the truth and best way to not only make it through the darkness of PAS, but to have peace and know always…that God is not done. He can heal like no other alternative. He is in the miracle business, the redeeming business, the overcoming business.

Mike Jeffries…if you are interested in 2010 we’d like to have you on our radio program, BLENDED FAMILY TODAY. Our listeners would embrace you and thank you for what you are doing. God Bless You!

Mother’s Day this year was the worst ever for me. No email, and tho’ I knew he was in the middle of finals at a tough college, I fired off an email that probably really stunk of sarcastic self pity. Needless to say, I got one pretty nasty email back with a lecture on entitlement. How could I possibly expect a Mother’s Day wish?

I didn’t write back. The abuse gets so tough. But I did something very right. Instead, I got your book yesterday and finished my FIRST reading today. Mike, for the first time I feel hopeful! No, not that I’ll see my son any time soon, but that I can stop beating myself up. Maybe I’m not as awful as my son tells me after all, and maybe the real reason has more to do with things I really can’t control. It takes a certain type to throw his own kid out of the house for seeing his mom “on the sly” way back when — the day all ties ended.

Also, I have decided that there will be no more emails that border on self-pity. They open the door for disaster. I am delighted to know that empathy is not in the vocabulary for my own well being — thank you! I can use this useful knowledge to know it is not me. That is the most valuable lesson in the book, and boy, did I do that all wrong!

Thanks for so many tools to help me regain some sanity and start living again. (You have no idea!)

In the book we explained the situation you described.

We talk about what goes on inside the alienating parent’s head when he or she is alienating the child from the other parent. On the outside it looks simple — anyone who agrees with the alienating parent’s perspective is immediately allowed into the parent and child’s world. Anyone who disagrees with the alienating parent’s perspective is banished from the child’s life. But on the inside there is much more to the story.

While I can’t say I’ve ever heard of an alienating parent tracking down someone the other parent has been estranged from for 30 years (and a total stranger besides), I’m also not surprised. Alienating parents look for validation from people willing to support the parent’s perspective. It would appear your ex and son sought out and created another emotionally unhealthy relationship (this time with a third person) that has you as its focus.

Hang in there, and please continue learning all you can about alienation. The knowledge will help you make good decisions and help you deal with the emotions that all targeted parents experience.

My son is 17, and left very suddenly when he was 15. Went on a vacation with his dad, came back hating my guts – I still don’t know what he was told. Ironically, I am the custodial parent, but at that age, it no longer matters – they go where they want to go.

Because I haven’t known what else to do, I’ve done alot of reading on PAS. My situation has a weird twist. I’ve read that it’s common for the alienating parent to cut the child off from the other parent’s family members. In my case, my ex went one step further – he hunted down the one family member from whom I’ve been estranged for 30 years (whom he had never met when we were married), flew our son across the country to “meet” her, and now has joined forces with her.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Thanks for visiting our site and taking the time to write. I’m sorry for what you and your son have gone through.

It’s hard to imagine what is going through your son’s mind. Just know he is caught in an emotional bind — just trying to survive an impossible situation. Continue showing him the love and consistency he’s been used to from you his entire life. He may not acknowledge it, but it will mean a lot to him.

Hang in there.

mike

I look forward to purchasing your book and talking to my father-friends who have been suffering through this for years!

Melissa in Austin