I wish I never wrote A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation. I wish I never heard of parental alienation. If I had my way, I would have spent the last few years being a father to my son — happily oblivious to the pain and heartbreak parental alienation was inflicting on countless parents, children and extended family members all over the world.
But as someone once said to me, “Life is what happens to you when you are planning your life.”
I was Dr. Joel Davies’ client the first time I heard the phrase parental alienation. I sat in his office describing the change in my young son’s behavior at my soon-to-be ex-wife’s urging. I was heartbroken and confused. I was also angry. I was discovering that most of the legal and mental health professionals involved in my case had never heard of parental alienation, and many of those who had heard of it weren’t interested in doing anything more than give lip service to the phrase, “best interests of the child.”
Dr. Davies introduced me to parental alienation that day. Months later I was sitting in his office again. Time had reduced the initial pain of being an alienated parent to a dull ache. I was learning to live with the ache; but I was still angry. More parents and children were becoming victims of alienation every day, yet I never heard parental alienation mentioned in divorce, child custody and parenting discussions on television, in print and on the web.
We wrote A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation to help parents, legal and mental health professionals deal with this very destructive family dynamic. We’re sorry you have a need for this information, but we’re confident A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation will help you understand alienation and make good decisions under very stressful and difficult conditions.
Please check back with us often. We’ll provide new links to resources and articles on a regular basis. You can use this blog to share your story and receive support from others who understand your situation. Contact us if you need a reference or would like to tell others about a professional who has helped you. A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation is a book. We hope www.afamilysheartbreak.com becomes a community.
-Michael Jeffries
As a mental health professional, working almost exclusively in the field of high conflict divorce and custody matters, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your writing. Little by little, professionals, attorneys, and judges are beginning to understand better so keep up the good work!
As a side note, I only wish the people who govern my professional license (Oklahoma State Department of Health) would learn more about this also. I was actually sanctioned for “diagnosing PAS” because it doesn’t appear in the DSM-IV. Obviously they are either unwilling or unable to grasp the concept, and continue to promote and support parental alienation by providing yet another outlet for alienators. I see children suffer every day at the hands of alienators, and it truly breaks my heart; however, regardless of the attorneys at the dept. of health, I shall continue my work, and congratulate you for continuing yours!
March 26th, 2009
I gather that this blog has just begun. I will be interested to see where it goes.
I am a targeted dad who has been prevented from seeing my children for 8 years now. My ex has poisoned my two kids so effectively that they may never return. I am losing hope.
I came home one night from work and discovered the house had been emptied out. She took the children, our car, all our money, our dog, our cat, our computer with all my files and moved 100 miles away to an undisclosed location.
I was a loving dad and family man. I was prevented from any contact with my children. It was and it remains devestating. I was suddenly all alone in our home. Everyone including family–even church members–took her side. Many lies told about me and I assumned guilty. I wanted to die.
I was sued for child support and could not afford the steep payments. I lost my home. I lost my job. I suffered depression. Next came bone marrow cancer with no health insurance. Then heart attack.
Later my evil ex and our 2 children returned and they now live only 20 miles away. My kids were no-shows during my chemo and my heart attack. I was not invited to my daughter’s wedding. It is hard to describe just how terrible it has been. Only my strong faith in God has kept me going.
I have been researching PAS for some time now. The knowledge I have gained has been helpful and theraputic. I wonder if I will ever have my children back before I die–which may be soon.
I hope this blog becomes established and I look forward to participating.
Mike J Baron, 61
mikejbaron@triad.rr.com
Mike:
Thanks for visiting our site and taking the time to write. I’m sorry for what you and you children have been through.
You said something that I would like to reinforce — understanding parental alienation provides an emotional anchor, and helps alienated parents make good decisions for themselves and their children. And while understanding alienation doesn’t take away the sting of being an alienated parent, it does dull the sensation a little bit.
I’m sure others will respond to your post. Our website is only three days old and we’re already getting pretty good traffic. Please continue sharing with the site’s visitors.
Best,
mike
I just found your blog and will look forward to reading your book. I am an adult survivor of PA and now the stepmom to a parentally alienated child. I believe that every person should understand that the negative effects of PA are stealing the childhoods and damaging the futures of countless children while the legal system refuses to take proper action. Thanks for speaking out for innocent children worldwide !
I’m glad I found this! I am a mother who’s son was taken because the attorney I hired, mishandled my case( i know now…a bit too late) The court did not find me unfit, the judge was mislead into believing the other home was a better fit and “in the best interest of the child”. I was raising my son without any help from the father who now claims to be father of the year because he’s finally married with 2 cars and a dog! After almost 11 years of raising my son…I’m now not good enough? He refused to allow our son to use a cell phone I purchased the wknd they took him from me. He refused to encourage a small journal I started for our son and I to be able to put our thoughts into and mail to one another. He refuses to encourage our son to return my calls; insisting that “he doesn’t want to”. And I have to hear my son comment that he was told that “I lied in court” or that I have to “earn my right to see him”. And because I was never married to the father, my son bears my last name. His father’s last name is listed as a middle name. Recently, I came to find out that my son’s father has dropped his legal last name (mine name) on all of his official school and medical records. This part is the last straw! I feel he would like nothing more than for me to disappear altogether. It’s heartbreaking and it’s killing me.
I look forward to purchasing your book and talking to my father-friends who have been suffering through this for years!
Melissa in Austin
Hi Melissa:
Thanks for visiting our site and taking the time to write. I’m sorry for what you and your son have gone through.
It’s hard to imagine what is going through your son’s mind. Just know he is caught in an emotional bind — just trying to survive an impossible situation. Continue showing him the love and consistency he’s been used to from you his entire life. He may not acknowledge it, but it will mean a lot to him.
Hang in there.
mike
I’m so glad to have found this. Being the alienated parent can be so isolating and so sad. A few days ago, I spotted my son walking down the street. Everyday, he’s two blocks away, at school.
My son is 17, and left very suddenly when he was 15. Went on a vacation with his dad, came back hating my guts – I still don’t know what he was told. Ironically, I am the custodial parent, but at that age, it no longer matters – they go where they want to go.
Because I haven’t known what else to do, I’ve done alot of reading on PAS. My situation has a weird twist. I’ve read that it’s common for the alienating parent to cut the child off from the other parent’s family members. In my case, my ex went one step further – he hunted down the one family member from whom I’ve been estranged for 30 years (whom he had never met when we were married), flew our son across the country to “meet” her, and now has joined forces with her.
Has anyone else experienced this?
Hi Nancy…
In the book we explained the situation you described.
We talk about what goes on inside the alienating parent’s head when he or she is alienating the child from the other parent. On the outside it looks simple — anyone who agrees with the alienating parent’s perspective is immediately allowed into the parent and child’s world. Anyone who disagrees with the alienating parent’s perspective is banished from the child’s life. But on the inside there is much more to the story.
While I can’t say I’ve ever heard of an alienating parent tracking down someone the other parent has been estranged from for 30 years (and a total stranger besides), I’m also not surprised. Alienating parents look for validation from people willing to support the parent’s perspective. It would appear your ex and son sought out and created another emotionally unhealthy relationship (this time with a third person) that has you as its focus.
Hang in there, and please continue learning all you can about alienation. The knowledge will help you make good decisions and help you deal with the emotions that all targeted parents experience.
Thanking you for writing this book. I look forward to reading it and promoting it into the court system here in Canada. I have lived w/PAS for 9 yrs, and as a Mother I done everything in my power to have a relationship w/my daughter who is now 17. My ex has has never complied w/court orders and it is he who has taken away my rights and responsibilities, not the courts. I havent hugged my daughter since April 17th, 2000. I hold that memory so deep in my heart and look so forward to that next hug.
Thank you for this book! I have read some books on PAS, only to never finish, because I did not learn what I could do to help myself — powerless, defeated, and always looking at the outside in whenever others innocently talked about their kids and normal everyday stuff. My only son is older (now about to turn 29), so not only was most of the information out there targeted towards those with younger children and often in the midst of divorce, but most of the support groups were dealing with the same scenarios. I’m 12 years in — 12 years of beating myself up and trying to play out the should’ves and would’ves, often to the point of not really caring if I died tomorrow. (I think I was starting to believe the things that were said about me were true!)
Mother’s Day this year was the worst ever for me. No email, and tho’ I knew he was in the middle of finals at a tough college, I fired off an email that probably really stunk of sarcastic self pity. Needless to say, I got one pretty nasty email back with a lecture on entitlement. How could I possibly expect a Mother’s Day wish?
I didn’t write back. The abuse gets so tough. But I did something very right. Instead, I got your book yesterday and finished my FIRST reading today. Mike, for the first time I feel hopeful! No, not that I’ll see my son any time soon, but that I can stop beating myself up. Maybe I’m not as awful as my son tells me after all, and maybe the real reason has more to do with things I really can’t control. It takes a certain type to throw his own kid out of the house for seeing his mom “on the sly” way back when — the day all ties ended.
Also, I have decided that there will be no more emails that border on self-pity. They open the door for disaster. I am delighted to know that empathy is not in the vocabulary for my own well being — thank you! I can use this useful knowledge to know it is not me. That is the most valuable lesson in the book, and boy, did I do that all wrong!
Thanks for so many tools to help me regain some sanity and start living again. (You have no idea!)
Sadly, PAS / Indoctrination is way too common. We see it in our work with blended families quite often. It causes heartache and wounds that often only God can heal.
The note above from ‘Gina’ in Oklahoma is so true. “The System” is broken and has a history of not recognizing this real and truly damaging scenario. There are children out there that may be damaged as to future relationships for life.
Be encouraged. Keep writing. Persevere. Never give up or lose hope.
The TRUTH always is revealed. With more light shined brightly into the darkness of PAS, we will see a generation turned around.
The true damage facing the youth of today is this. What if one day you are 35 and you discover how badly one parent manipulated you against a targeted and innocent parent? Then, how do you deal with the theft. The lies. The deceit. That is the generation that will then feel wounded. How do you get back what somebody stole from you. Actually we should feel sorry for the alienators. They will face consequences.
We believe the Bible holds the truth and best way to not only make it through the darkness of PAS, but to have peace and know always…that God is not done. He can heal like no other alternative. He is in the miracle business, the redeeming business, the overcoming business.
Mike Jeffries…if you are interested in 2010 we’d like to have you on our radio program, BLENDED FAMILY TODAY. Our listeners would embrace you and thank you for what you are doing. God Bless You!
you have a link on my blog http://tinyurl.com/page-id-9 ,I like this website its a master peace ! Glad I noticed this on google .
I am pleased to see this web site and that someone is continuing the fight against PAS. I want to let you know there is hope for the alienated parent.
I started the battle against PAS when my daughter was nine years old and with the help of an excellent counselor Gina Jordan Kishur and a Guardian ad Lidem Phillip Tucker, I won the battle when she turned sixteen and was awarded custody. Their combined report stated it was one of the worst cases of PAS they had seen in their combined years of practice and finally the judge awarded custody to me.
The years in between were pure torture and my daughter had even told me I wasn’t her father, just the lucky bastard that impregnated her mother. Today she is 23 in college and we have the most excellent relationship.
The turmoil years involved several attorneys and counselors that tried diligently to get me to walk away and stop the fight and just hope someday she would come back into my life, but I refused to walk away. It wasn’t an easy road and took a lot of patience, understanding and a desire to never give up. Documenting everything that occurs is crucial, keep a journal, and invest in a digital recorder, and even a movie camera.
Those years are now somewhat of a blur, but during that time frame it engulfed my whole life and took a toll on every aspect of it, but I would do it again in a second. I believe the most important key is to understand it and avoid letting it destroy you emotionally, to continue to let your child know you love them and that you will always be there for them regardless.
It is imperative to hire someone that is familiar with PAS and is not afraid to champion the effort. There are very few professionals out there that will step up and take on such a challenge. I highly recommend Gina Jordan Kishur and Phillip Tucker as two professionals that have the knowledge and experience and aren’t afraid of going the distance with the legal system. There are counselors and attorneys out there that will actually help perpetuate the PAS and make you feel like it’s your entire fault, I know because I dealt with some of them.
The hardest part is not giving up when it seems hopeless. Educate yourself and arm yourself with knowledge, it may very well be one of the hardest battles you ever fight in your life. Everyone leaves the battle with scars, and it probably will not ever end completely so you have to learn how to negotiate the peace, even years later.
The sad part is the emotional scars the child will deal with throughout their adult years. I know not everyone will succeed and there will be unfortunate losses, but never give up hope.
Gina Jordan (she wasn’t a Kishur back then) was one of the first professionals I connected with after I begain writing about parental alienation. I second your endorsement and please give her my best next time you talk to her.
I also want to reinforce your point about getting professionals involved in these cases who understand how to identify and address parental alienation. The traditional approach in the courtroom and the therapist’s office will not work in these situations.
Thanks for writing, Larry.
Best,
mike jeffries